Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark's in the water. Our shark. Shark Week is almost here...

Possibly my most favorite time of the year.  I do love me some shark week but I prefer to stay on dry land.  No boat is big enough for me.  Ask my husband about my obsessive water/ocean fears.  The first time I went to the beach in California (actually...my first encounter with the Pacific Ocean ever!) was met with this sign:

 Not the most welcoming and reassuring thing.  Needless to say, I did not get eaten at Stinson beach  but I definitely did not go swimming either.

Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

from dusk til dawn...

... well, maybe not til dawn, but now that summer is upon us, here in Chicago, you don't have to watch your scary movies indoors!!! Motel Bar and the Chicago Park Districts have you covered.

Creepy highlights of their schedules
Motel Bar double features:
07/18 American Psycho and Shining
09/19 The Shining and Carrie

Chicago Park Districts:
07/12 Jaws (at 63rd Street Beach)
07/22 Twilight; Eclipse (at Meyering Park)

Anyone outside of Chicago, do you have have anything similar taking place in your neck of the woods?

The Attack of the Mini-Views!

More tiny thoughts from a big ego.

Acting is srs bsns.

This week's mini-views are all about movies that smell suspiciously like other movies, intentionally or otherwise. Yes, the Great Horror Film Rip-Off! We love them! We hate them! We love to hate them! Today's (dis)honorees are:

Paranormal Entity: I blame myself for watching this. Anything with a title that's so very close to another existing, incredibly popular film is obviously from The Asylum, a company that thrives on thievery. Take, for example, The Day The Earth Stopped. If you don't know what film they've ripped-off there, get the heck out. Other Asylum titles include Last House on the Right, A Nightmare on Oak Street, and The Wolf Guy.* Paranormal Entity is, of course, a lift of Paranormal Activity, a moderately spooky, found-footage film about a couple haunted by a demon. A lot of the scenes in Entity are directly taken from Activity, including an unsettling trip to the attic, and the part where the door closes on its own. However, Asylum's version adds two elements that some fans want to see in every horror film: blood and boobs. Both are totally unnecessary additions to a story that should work on the bump-in-the-night scare. However, Paranormal Entity doesn't. Verdict: It stinks! Avoid!

The Spell: A 1977 made-for-TV movie starring Lee Grant (The Omen II) and lil' Helen Hunt, The Spell is about a teenage girl who is picked on for not conforming to standards (she's "fat," but that Hollywood type of fat that isn't so much fat but size 6). She eventually uses her psychic abilities to wreak revenge. Hmm. The smell of Chick tracts and burning prom decorations hang all over this one. The biggest difference between The Spell and Carrie is that the girl in The Spell is deliberately malevolent throughout, and she learns to harness her power with the help of her gym teacher (!), who wants to share the power with others. The film concludes with a mother-daughter showdown, but ends with a rather surprising revelation, not a wicked awesome death-by-kitchen-implements. Verdict: Smells like teen spirit! Check it out!

Piranha (1978): The greatest horror rip-off of all time, because it steals while it mocks while it scares. Even the poster art for Piranha takes its cues from the iconic Jaws poster:

They're both about to get it in the sweet spot.

What more can be said about Piranha that hasn't already been said, and probably a million times better? My only comment is this: Jaws 2 should have had flying sharks. Verdict: Smells fresh!

*not actual Asylum titles.

It's Effin' Shark Week, Beaches!

I don't have cable, but that doesn't mean I can't participate in what seems to be the unifying event for all of America - a week in the celebration of man-maiming fishies!




In Texas, we do it up right. Austin's Alamo Drafthouse Rolling Roadshow put on a 3-day encore of JAWS in 35mm, which was projected on a giant blow-up screen put on a rocky cliff overlooking Lake Travis. Below, movie patrons swilled lonestar and floated precariously in black innertubes. The price of admission even came with free shark gazpacho! But, truth be told, I almost gazpachoed all over myself after getting a whiff of it. No offense to the chef... I'm just not a sea creature eater.

Over the course of the night I found myself becoming more and more nostalgic for those days of drive-in theater, and the feeling of community and shared experience when watching a film outside. The event was perfectly manicured... scuba divers swam around for duration of the screening, randomly grabbing people's dangling feet. At one point, a giant shark fin poked out of the lake and headed into the crowd. It wasn't uncommon to hear a random scream here and there, followed by boisterous laughter.

Shark Week is a reason to re-visit all those fishy classics, from Jaws and Jaws 3-D, to Fulci's Zombie (featuring a wtf pairing of shark v. zombie!) - even those ridic Mega Shark vs "___" godzilla-type films.

I'm just waiting for Cuttlefish Week. I think that has the potential of really freaking people out. Just a suggestion to the Discovery Channel.

"Live every week like it's shark week" - Tracy from 30Rock

Frightful Friday Double Feature at the Portage!

Two big flicks, one low price!

















Friday, September 18th

JAWS (1975) 7:30pm

and

KING KONG (2005) 9:50pm

Admission: $10

Collectibles and cool monster stuff for sale in the lobby!
Come early and browse - doors open at 6pm!

PORTAGE THEATER
4050 N. Milwaukee Ave
Chicago
http://wwww.portagetheater.org


FOR MORE INFORMATION

CALL (773) 875-7582 OR EMAIL TIMETOYS@RCN.COM